Letter to the boy I want to love

Everyday you look in the mirror, but you don't see yourself. 

Everyday you try to imagine what it's like to have your own body.

 

Short hair, binders, packing. 

STP, peecock products, male underwear and a different name…complete rejection.

 

Everyday you are afraid. Did you disappoint your mother? Will I leave you? Will I take care of you and help you to inject T? T oh the T. 

You are waiting and hoping, that the group of medical professionals, that don't know what it's like to be you. That never been there while you were cutting your shoulders and arms. They don't know what it's like, so how could the have the power to give you your life. Why it's up to them, and not up to you.

 

Sex?

 

You love her! You want to have her, right here on a kitchen floor...and then? 

And then you feel your chest, these abomination against her chest! 

SO now? 

Now what?

 

Only in a bedroom and only with lights off. 

 

You will turning the lights on, because I already know you.

 Hiding your breasts. Being yourself. 

You give as much as you can to her, and not getting anything to yourself. Being touched is the most desirable and shameful experience of your life.

You looking like a dyke, but I do not care. I want to say I love you, but I can't because you won't believe me. You will think, how could I love you, if you don't love yourself. 

 

 Baggy clothes and male stores.

 

You are trying to accept yourself, but I already did. 

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captainwombat
captainwombat
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